Thursday, 12 January 2012

Witches in Tescos

[Three sisters outside a supermarket. They always do their shopping in the same place and on the same day each week. They are also the only witching sisters in the town.]

When shall we three meet again?
In aisle three, aisle nine, or fast lane?
When the shopping is all done,
Shall we walk or homeward run?
Depends on if the bus has gone.
Where the place?
Beside the caf'.
After we meet with our Kath.
Let us go, therein.
Tesco calls:-anon:-
Best is fresh, and fresh is best.
We'll do the list and complete our quest.

[They enter and initially go separate ways before accidentally meeting at the pie counter.]

Where hast thou been, sister?
Killing time.
Sister, where thou?
A salesman approached me at the door,
And spoke and spoke and spoke:-"No thanks," quoth I:
"Double glazing!" the desp'rate peddler cries.
His dignity's to Heaven gone, master o' the windows.
With my basket I turn'd my tail
From this poor man without a sale.
No good, no good, just no good.
Thou should'st feel bad.
Art thou mad?
Calm down, my sisters!
If we were in the dark mid-winter,
Were he a cold impoverished man
Who called to me with open hand,
I'd not be so harsh.
But you'll find 'tis not the case:
Arriving at the shopping place,
Not expecting questions many
Or to be asked for all my penny,
He leapt upon my passing frame,
And for his loss I'll take no blame.
P'rhaps my action was not fair,
For double glazing, I do not care!
Look what I have.
Show me, show me.
Here I have a Whiskers crate;
Our cats at home will celebrate.

[ANNA rings the bell to summon an employee.]

The bell, the bell!
Pie-Man, schnell!

[Pie-Man enters and looks exasperatedly at the sisters. The same thing happens every week.]

The local witches, hand in hand,
Belong to a benevolent band,
Thus do go to purchase pie:
Steak and kidney, mint and lamb,
One last choice, we'll pea and ham:—
Slice!—the order's up.

All hail, Pie-Man! Hail to thee, Thane of Pastry!
All hail, Pie-Man! Hail to thee, Thane of Filling!
All hail, Pie-Man! That shalt be supervisor hereafter!
Lesser than manager, and greater.
Not so responsible, yet more noble.

[Pie-Man gives them the pie. Exeunt. The sisters continue together.]

Round about the shop we go;
No snail on Earth were e'er this slow.
We must make haste; I'll go ahead
To fetch the fresh baked cakes and bread.
Middle sister, buy other foods,
We'll join at the checkout with our goods.
Now your job, babe of our throng,
Is to fix what hence went wrong.
Bubble, bubble, toilet trouble;
Buy a plunger on the double.

[The sisters separate. BARBARA and ANNA exeunt.]

Fillet of a fatty cow,
Four rump steaks reduce-d now;
Can of beans, and case of Coke,
Box of eggs, without the yolk.
Jar of chutney, deli chicken,
Herbal tea bags - good for Wiccan.
All these things I've found with ease,
Not including frozen peas.

[BARBARA and ANNA enter. Sisters all go to checkout 2, the fast lane. Kath always works on lane 2; the sisters are prepared to queue for any amount of time to pay with her despite not having 10 items or less.]

Why, how now, Kath? You look wrathful.

Have I not reason, in bedlam such as this,
To be not content? How I would not miss
The chaos of the checkout, mayhem indeed!
My days are spent mine eyes on swede,
J-cloths, spatulas, croissant, pork.
Rosé, bubbly, screw-top, cork.
I'm here all hours to play my part,
Whilst they deny that 'tis an art
To scan at speed, to move with ease,
To cope with old men and their sleaze.
Spiteful and raging, those who queue
And have to wait a minute or two.
Like animals, the shoppers howl
When they can't find the kitchen towel.
So I, the leopard of the staff
Track down their prey on their behalf.
My only respite in the week
Is when you're here and we all speak.
But the line is long: get you gone,
'twas nice to see you and we'll meet on
Next Saturday morning:
With tired men and ladies yawning.
Farewell, be safe, and see you soon,
Wish me well for my afternoon.

The task this week was to include a metaphor, some alliteration...other stuff. It all felt a bit contrived. The original story was about a town that hadn't had any rain for five years, even though everywhere else had. A bit surreal and it didn't go anywhere. Then on the Saturday I went to my Nanna's nursing home with Auntie Barbara and Mother for a Halloween do. Nanna, Auntie and Mother were dressed as the three sisters from Macbeth and I was their honorary friend. Afterwards I went to Morrisons with Mother, still dressed as witches. The concept tickled me for some reason. I'm not sure if this counts as plagiarism as I copied the meter of the three sisters from Macbeth for this piece and just fiddled with what they were saying. I can't even count it for my fiction module as it's not in the correct format. But it was a lot of fun to write, and if you like it I may carry it over to my drama module this term. The three witches are named after my three aunts; let me just say that I don't think they are witches, but the idea amused me. Cue three angry texts from my mother's sisters. Oh, and Kath kind of rhymes with caf'. I really wish I had a picture of my relatives at the Halloween tea party, but instead here is an irrelevant picture of me and Mother in anoraks.

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